Irony of change in a relationship

In 2013, I've learnt what passive agressive meant, and that I practice this unhealthy way of expressing myself. 


So with less than two months till 2013 ends, I have been actively changing my passive agressiveness. You may ask why and I can tell you all sorts of things like I've done loads of self reflection and shits like this. But the real reason was because of my boyfriend, Ken.


We have been fighting a lot within these few months and I will not deny that my passive agressiveness aggravated them.


(The issue following after this does not really have anything to do with me being passive agressive, but the double standard that I think I am facing from my boyfriend.)


He once told me something that I will never forget, he felt that I am trying to change him. I realised that it was true. I hope that he'll become the person he is before we are together. I hope he'll become less of a woodblock and just a teeny weeny more romantic.


But what's ironic is what he said after that. He hope that I can become less passive agressive. Wait, isn't he trying to change me too?


All these double standard is not making any sense. I can't hope that he will change but I should change myself for him?


I know I do not have enough evidence to support this, but just think. This will be a little something to ponder about when you guys encounter this in a relationship. When someone expects something from you and you can't expect anything from them, what does it entail? Giving? Loving? Generousity?



31st July 2013; Friendships for granted
Less than a year ago, I enrolled my self into the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, Singapore Campus. I met awesome friends. Friends whom I thought will stick through thick and thin, friends whom I thought I will be going to Vegas with in Summer 2014. Apparently, I thought wrong. Friendships, what is it really about?

There are rules in friendships, spoken and unspoken rules. Not that I don't know about it, I just didn't expect them to come between my friends and I. I shall talk about one of them who I was really close with. I made a friend whom I thought will be my best friend in university throughout my studies and beyond because we simply get each other. He understood me, he knows what I am thinking about most of the time and we have the same views on almost anything. He was the Mr Nice Guy in my group of friends, he's my teacher, my friend, one whom I could talk to. Nobody could find any fault with him (except me) and nobody could make him mad (except me again, I always am the one who made him angry). This friendship went smoothly for a few months while we were classmates for a few semesters, he even introduced me to work in the cafe that he was working in.

However, good times don't last. I screwed up the friendship in ways I could not imagine. I screwed up the job in the cafe because I had bad time management and I couldn't commit myself to the job. I did not participate actively in group projects  It implicated him and he got angry. It is completely understandable and I know, and admit, that I am the one completely at fault. What I didn't expect was that he would get so angry for days and refused to talk to me. We sat beside each other in classes for a few days without speaking to each other in order to not affect our group dynamics. He didn't let me know what happened but I could feel the tension. He even pretended that there was nothing wrong on the first day. Those days were the few which I never want to relive ever again.

Things didn't stay like this for long. I couldn't stand the situation anymore and asked him what happened. As usual, he didn't tell me the full story. The situation improved and seemed to have gone back as per normal, but I could feel that things are different from before. I have always tried and avoided being in the same classes as him ever since.

It has been 6 months now, and things are still the same. We are peaceful around each other. We hardly talk and interact with each other. I have been trying, but things doesn't seem to be getting better. I do not expect him to forget everything and treat me as before, but there will always be a part of me that wished things were the same.

Time goes by, things move on, people change. Time for me to change too. There is this old saying of 旧的不去, 新的不来 (when old things are not forgone, new things won't be able to come). He is a friend that I will remember and someone whom I wish to keep close to my heart, but I will have to move on. I have been actively avoiding my group of friends except for maybe one or two of them in order to make myself feel better for losing such a good friend.

This is definitely a valuable lesson for me. Perhaps I took this friend of mine for granted and now he's gone. He is, still, one of the nicest people I have met till now. All I want to say is thank you for being there in my first year of university life, when many people struggled through and I had all your help. It will soon be the end of our first year in university and I wish for all the best for you, and for myself.


13 June 2013; Internship Coordinator?
After more than a month of not posting, I am finally posting today, but it's to vent my angsty feelings. Heh.

As you may not have known, I have been appointed as the internship coordinator in my hostel, Adler Hostel (unofficially, but I'm doing my job). So I've gotten a few people into the hostel for their internship program. I, myself am exempted from internship so I do not have to go through this and I am doing this on a voluntary basis (meaning no pay raise, no extra benefits). And I'm beginning to regret this.

Friends that I've pulled in are changing their minds regarding the types of internship programs they want and jumping along on the slightest chance of a better offer that comes their way even after they have confirmed that they want to intern at my place (Adler Hostel; calling it my place because I feel a sense of belonging and attachment to my workplace, and I LOVE IT HERE), be it higher pay or interning in an hotel environment. By doing so, it directly corrupts my reputation in  the workplace and it causes trouble for my manager DJ (who is a great person, but I do not want to take advantage of his personality) as every time after I confirmed an intern for the hostel, we will draft the contract and print it out in advance for the interns to collect and sign them. By being fickle-minded, they wasted our time to draft their contracts, the ink and paper to print their contracts, and the time we spent coordinating them.

These experiences with them actually made me think more than twice before accepting an intern from then onward. Yes, my manager and I are very easy-going and nice to talk to, but that doesn't mean that we can be bullied like this and be treated like a spare tyre. You can't come and go as and when you like just because we are nice or are trying to be nice.

Of course, I have brought in awesome interns who are a good fit for the job and did not change their minds or jump at the better offer. I have introduced you to the internship because I think you're a responsible person, but what happened made me think otherwise and I am seeing you from a different light.


05 May 2013; Reminiscence
I just went to read my post from 3 years ago; beginning from my YOG period. I was really young and naive that time. Lol. But those were the good memories I guess? I just came across G's profile in Facebook and it states "In an open relationship" for his status. I hope he knows what he's getting himself into.

My past makes me who I am today. I am not sad that they're over but glad that they happened. I've grown a lot since then and I hope I will continue to grow and stop being immature and childish. After all, I'm 21 now and I shouldn't be so gullible anymore.


02 May 2013; No time?

I don't know how am I supposed to feel every single time le bf doesn't want to meet me. I'm taking a train home now from work and I'm crying. Sigh.

I know he's studying, but I feel so dejected whenever it happens /: I need to get a life outside of him so my life doesn't revolve only around him.


14th April 2013;

I believe it has been long since my last update. I  just ended work and am on my way home. Currently, I'm working in Adler Hostel, and I love my job to bits! Hehe shall update again ^^

09 March 2013; 40 Hands

Reported to work at 8am today! First time in so long that I gotta start work so early! Today is my second time working at 40 Hands :P Hehe.


Went there and Derf said so long never see me. Lol. I only started working there 2 Saturdays ago? And last week I didn't work since I was working at Adler Hostel. But it feels good to be welcomed back. Haha. I did mote serving today even though I still stationed myself at the sink. I shall avoid that area next time. Haha.


Okay, I'm tired now. continue next time! Nights!


09 March 2013;

Where are the plans we made for two?

22nd February 2013; Great times.
Hi guyssssss.

I haven't been posting for close to 2 months now. Gosh. Lol. Loads of things to update. Like the end of Winter Semester, the class BBQ we had in Bishan Park, the start of Spring Semester, the new classes, my trip to Bangkok, the drama, the Valentine's Day event, my Valentine's Day etc. Woooo. All those great times. Shall back date post them when I feel like it and when I'm free hehehe :D

03 January 2013; Need to feel alive.
In the beginning of 2012, I made this list of resolutions just like how I do every single year without fail, but whether they're achieved or not is another thing. The thing about this list is that... I always lose it. Lol. So this year, I'm not gonna do it anymore. Lol. 

2012 has been a very happy and eventful year for me. I hope 2013 will be the same. I hope that I'll wake up with something to look forward to everyday. I began 2013 with sickness, which is not good. I hope it'll get better! With Bangkok trip coming and all!

I'm gonna give the Students Orientation Camp a miss though. I'll find things to do I guess. If not, then prolly just rot away. Lol. I have no idea. I can't find the energy that I used to have for camps anymore. University life is too stressful, plus my results sucks. 

I have been trying to find motivation for school every single day... But to be honest, there isn't any that gives me sufficient strength. What I look forward to everyday now isn't constant. I don't know. I feel... Weird. Weak, insignificant and powerless. To add on to that, me missing SSO is making me feel guilt too. Sigh. Guess I brought it upon myself. Should've just rejected going to the camp from the beginning. 

I've been tormenting myself with moral issues, time for me to get over that. In 2013, my only aim/goal/resolution is just to be more tactful of my words. I talk without my brains on a lot of occasions and say things that could have been misunderstood in the way which I didn't intend it to. It's really bad; and it's starting to get on my nerves. Yes! I'm beginning to get irritated by myself for that. So next time, I'll count to 10 before saying things.

I need to feel alive in 2013. I feel so lifeless now. I don't know what's causing it or sucking my energy away. 

I want to feel alive.


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